i’ve stopped caring if you read this, mainly because i’m hurting

long overdue blogpost.

and warning…this is going to be personal.  read at your own discretion.  or don’t read at all.  i don’t really care.

my mood is shit.

but i’ve been saying i’m fine.

i went to the Philly Trans* Health Conference and it was great…i felt like i belonged, like i had a place, and i understood things.  people understood things (read: me) without me having to educate them.  i didn’t have to ask them if they knew what binding meant because chances are, they did/do it or know someone who did/does it, too.  or at least know of people who did/do it.  (can you tell i’m trying to write this as politically correctly as possible?)

but now i’m back home.  i don’t belong.  my pronouns aren’t my pronouns and i’m in so much pain i couldn’t possibly explain it to anyone.

my therapist has told me that maybe i should wait a few years for top surgery.  but why should i wait to be able to live?  i need top surgery.  

my mood is shit because i feel like no one understands me.  except maybe J.  and K.  they understand.  but besides them, i feel like there’s no one.   i can’t talk to my girlfriend about everything because she doesn’t deserve this pain.  J and K,  i talk to them each in moderation because that’s all i can do.

i’m also getting D’s in my class and that’s not usual for me and so i feel guilt and shame.  why am i not smart anymore? 

there’s more but i should stop there before the hypothetical (and at this point very imagined, not literal) reader decides to really run away.  then again, it feels like that’s what everyone does.  so go ahead, be my guest.  (here you can see my BPD acting up.  it’s been doing that a lot lately).

where are things right now?

things have started to sorta hit the fan, to put it nicely.

• my perception of my own self-image is crappy, at best
• eating is barely happening
• the meds are being messed with to try and get something to work, but in the process i have been feeling a lot more in the way of physical side effects

and other stuff i don’t want to talk about yet

judging myself

so apparently i did it.  i finally did it.

one of my biggest supports who has been a support of mine for nearly 4 full years, well she’s gone  i pushed her away.

and she won’t text me anymore.

i’m scared.

there’s a frog in my throat and i’m on the verge of tears.

and i wonder if there’s actually anyone out there who really gets me anymore.

i can’t believe i let her slip away like this.  

she meant everything to me.

and now she can’t mean anything to me.

why does emptiness have to hurt so much

i have BPD and relationships are difficult

i’m afraid my girlfriend is upset with me because some of what i said heightened her anxiety.  she’s never shut down like this before, at least not directly with me.  and i’m afraid that maybe i taught her that coping mechanism, as it’s something i do at least once a day.

i feel like things aren’t going well and she can’t talk to me and this makes me nervous but i don’t want to talk to anyone about that.

it makes me nervous because in my brain, i keep thinking maybe she hit her breaking point.  maybe this is the end of the forever she discussed with me, saying she’d be with me forever.

what if i triggered her too much?  what if i actually pushed her away this time?

how disordered eating complicates my experience of holidays

TW: body image issues, disordered eating, depression, restricting eating

so there’s a lot on my mind, but i’m going to talk about my experience with disordered eating and how that complicates the “oh so joyous” holiday season that is currently upon us.

so we went to family friend’s house for dinner on friday night.  i was hoping to skip out on it but my mom wouldn’t let me.  i knew it was going to be hard because that means lots of people and lots of food…two things that make me very anxious.  i resolved to bringing some gum in my coat pocket because that helps with my nerves often times and to bringing the benzo my doctor prescribed for me on an “as needed” basis.  i didn’t use either.

anyway, the food there wasn’t amazing.  for appetizers, i had raw veggies (celery, carrots, peppers) and pistachios.  for dinner, i had salad, bread and butter, crackers, and not even one bite of lasagna since i don’t eat cheese.  for dessert, i had some chocolate mousse pie with oreo cookie crust, a piece of gingerbread cake, and 1/8 of a zucchini brownie.

so i guess you could say i ate well, but that makes me feel like sh*t.  i feel like i suck at things that are supposed to be “easy,” such as dieting.  like sometimes i’m so good at restricting and then other times i make it look like i haven’t eaten in weeks.  i probably didn’t really have that much, but it just feels like i did.  so my vulnerabilities are up.

by the way, my therapist gave me homework when i saw her yesterday, which include doing a diary card, looking at my DBT skills book at least once a day, and i think there was something else but i don’t remember.  i haven’t done a diary card and haven’t looked at my skills book.  instead, i’ve been doing a good job of avoiding.  i stay up late and then sleep in late and sometimes use sleep as a coping mechanism.  i weighed myself twice yesterday i think it was?  and both times i saw the number on the scale, i reassured myself by saying that it wasn’t “that bad” because i was just wearing a  lot of layers.