i miss her so much

and i feel like i shouldn’t miss her but i do so much that it hurts.

i just want to read her words. she was good at that sort of thing.

being a guy and having feelings

so i’m a guy. and i have feelings. and more than just that, i have been diagnosed with various mental illnesses. among my diagnoses, are at least two which tend to be associated with women. the two i’m talking about are Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and an eating disorder.

now, don’t get me wrong, guys can be diagnosed with either / both of these disorders. but i guess it feels different for me to suffer from them. why? because when i try to read about them, often times it seems i’ve stumbled upon an account of a woman suffering from the disorder, who writes things like “the sufferer does/doesn’t do this for herself” or whatever it says, but i just see the word herself and wonder if there’s going to be anything for guys out there, who, like me, are suffering from these (and other) disorders.

sometimes i’m afraid of bringing up this topic because i’m afraid of being told, “well you’re really a girl” (not true), but still.

sometimes i think being a guy and having feelings is seen as mutually exclusive but its really, really not.

anyone know of any BPD or ED blogs specific to dudes? lemme know please.

and sorry its been so long. things are still messy in my life.

my mental health truth

the reason that i haven’t blogged for a while is because i, once again, ended up in the hospital for a long(ish)-term stay.

though i’ve been out for a bit now, i’m still getting used to things.

things are still messy in my life and i’m still trying to figure things out. i hope to get back to blogging later today or tomorrow. until then, hope you all are well.

sad

TW: survivor of suicide, death, grieving

sometimes when i get into cars, i think about him.  sometimes i’m a passenger in the car, and i think about him.

right now i read something someone else wrote about it not being their fault and though it probably wasn’t about him, i thought about him.

i still think about him.  i pretend i don’t because i’m not sure i want to talk about it.

but it still hurts me.

and i do wonder if there was more i should’ve done to save him.

yes i’m still grieving.  no i haven’t “accepted” it.  yes it’s been more than half a year since it happened

conflict

i don’t do well with conflict and it’s been happening a lot lately around me.  i’m never the subject of it, thank goodness, but still.  it’s stressful.  i bring it up in therapy sometimes but it’s hard for them to understand without knowing the full story and its complications.

i have so much to say but my anxiety and newfound fears make it hard to speak about.

so i guess we’ll just have a short blog post today

diagnoses

when people doubt my diagnoses, it makes me feel like shit.  it does not make me feel better about myself.

this happens a lot with having BPD, at least in my experience, i notice this a lot.

i hate it and it makes me really frustrated.

i’ve stopped caring if you read this, mainly because i’m hurting

long overdue blogpost.

and warning…this is going to be personal.  read at your own discretion.  or don’t read at all.  i don’t really care.

my mood is shit.

but i’ve been saying i’m fine.

i went to the Philly Trans* Health Conference and it was great…i felt like i belonged, like i had a place, and i understood things.  people understood things (read: me) without me having to educate them.  i didn’t have to ask them if they knew what binding meant because chances are, they did/do it or know someone who did/does it, too.  or at least know of people who did/do it.  (can you tell i’m trying to write this as politically correctly as possible?)

but now i’m back home.  i don’t belong.  my pronouns aren’t my pronouns and i’m in so much pain i couldn’t possibly explain it to anyone.

my therapist has told me that maybe i should wait a few years for top surgery.  but why should i wait to be able to live?  i need top surgery.  

my mood is shit because i feel like no one understands me.  except maybe J.  and K.  they understand.  but besides them, i feel like there’s no one.   i can’t talk to my girlfriend about everything because she doesn’t deserve this pain.  J and K,  i talk to them each in moderation because that’s all i can do.

i’m also getting D’s in my class and that’s not usual for me and so i feel guilt and shame.  why am i not smart anymore? 

there’s more but i should stop there before the hypothetical (and at this point very imagined, not literal) reader decides to really run away.  then again, it feels like that’s what everyone does.  so go ahead, be my guest.  (here you can see my BPD acting up.  it’s been doing that a lot lately).

where are things right now?

things have started to sorta hit the fan, to put it nicely.

• my perception of my own self-image is crappy, at best
• eating is barely happening
• the meds are being messed with to try and get something to work, but in the process i have been feeling a lot more in the way of physical side effects

and other stuff i don’t want to talk about yet

judging myself

so apparently i did it.  i finally did it.

one of my biggest supports who has been a support of mine for nearly 4 full years, well she’s gone  i pushed her away.

and she won’t text me anymore.

i’m scared.

there’s a frog in my throat and i’m on the verge of tears.

and i wonder if there’s actually anyone out there who really gets me anymore.

i can’t believe i let her slip away like this.  

she meant everything to me.

and now she can’t mean anything to me.

why does emptiness have to hurt so much

the feeling

the wonderfulness of the feeling when you do/say something that your role model likes

 

#dontmistakethisformebeingbetteri’mnotyet